I am in the middle of studying Nehemiah. Again. Well, I should say it is my first study of the book. I have read it, but this is my first in-depth study. And how I got here is simple. I have been praying intensely and urgently for help. I am stuck. I built what I felt I was called to build, and now my direction is................I am lost. So, I stopped and asked God for directions. Yeah, I know. I probably should've done that knowing this journey was going to continue. But, better late than never. Or I hoped God would see it that way. Gulp...
So I've been earnestly seeking God's will, his direction, and my next steps in a few areas. I believe they are intertwined, and I can see the dots, however they are not connecting. I can't seem to make the connection! It's just a bit frustrating, because I want so much to just run-go-do, and I will without asking any questions, but I am standing here with something that has me chomping at the bit, and I am stuck! I know it's hard to understand. Try living it! I seriously feel I will just erupt in a flames if I don't get to go soon. My passion for the Kingdom is just incredible. Only I want to make sure I am running God's race and not mine. If it's mine, I am likely going to trip on my shoelaces, ram my head through hurdles, and find I've been running the track backwards. (That's me on any normal day, lol. I really need God's guidance!)
So as I read Nehemiah, I was just hit by this:
Nehemiah 2
Artaxerxes Sends Nehemiah to Jerusalem
1 In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before; 2 so the king asked me, "Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart."I was very much afraid, 3 but I said to the king, "May the king live forever! Why should my face not look sad when the city where my fathers are buried lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?"
As I studied this, I realized that I do have so much fear on the road that I am traveling. And my fear is not about not going. I am going. I know that. It's not a matter of inaction. Here am I, Lord send me!!! Whoohoooooo!
No, my fear is based soley upon this: what if I succeed? Then what?
Well, duh! Do I honestly think that God would not equip me with the tools and things necessary for success and beyond when it is His success through me? Hmmm...I had to think and start digging deep. Someone paid me the highest compliment ever yesterday. I was told that although I type about 90 words per minute, my mind must think at 250 words per second. (Thanks, Jon!) I believe it is because I sense so much urgency in relaying information and teaching that my mind is able to work that fast! That actually turned something I felt was a negative into a positive!
So now I'm sure my mind is thinking about 500 words per second. Nehemiah set me on fire!
The old quote I've heard many times is this: The only time we can fail is if we never try. But tonight I wonder, is it really? Is it possible to fail by succeeding? And which paralyzes us? Are we more paralyzed by the fear of success than the fear of failure? Which actually keeps us from acting? The fear of failure or the fear of success?
Succeeding doesn't necessarily mean we're home-free! Success doesn't mean that we're free and clear and the job is done. I believe in my case it is the EXACT opposite!
Success in life management, teaching to changing lives, raising money to build shelters in communities and provide people's most basic needs in the name of Jesus, and rebuilding what has been broken in our homes and towns through proper management of resources and priorities, means that the work has actually just begun!
HELP ME! LOL!!! I'm a leader who just might harbor a little too much passion!
I'm also a leader who's scared out of my witts! But I am equally as excited! If this succeeds, the work has just begun. The blueprints, materials, and building of the facility was just the beginning. It's what occurs once the completion of the walls is done that counts. So now I contemplate what failure really is. As I study Nehemiah, I learn that God is reaching me not only to teach me about failure, but about trust. And He is teaching me by the book. His holy and unfaulted book. The Bible.
I am now going to try and resume a normal (slower) thought pattern. I just needed to get this out of my system and share it ;-)

